Monday, February 21, 2011

Me, honestly....

Last October I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression and Postpartum Anxiety. 

I knew for such a long time I was struggling with "something."
And I knew whatever I was going through wasn't a normal every day emotion.

It was something that needed to be fixed, and it was completely out of my control. 

It surfaced a few months after Lucas was born (although as I look back I definitely had it after Ayden was born too),
and as I brushed it off time after time as being overly tired, and overwhelmed...
my symptoms just compounded until one day I exploded.

I remember feeling constantly "crazed"; stressed, angry, sad, resentful...
I mean I would,
stress over everything-no matter the size,
take on a million things at once (knowing I couldn't handle it all), rejecting any offers for help because they "just couldn't do it right".
I became so impatient,
so quick to anger,
and so sad to the core.

I was a mess.

Before when I would feel this way,
it would last a few days max, and then things would be back to normal.
But then it began lasting weeks,
and it would take me so long to recover.

I felt so lost, so alone, and completely confused.
I never talked to anyone about what I was going through, 
out of embarrassment or fear. Which was a huge mistake.

I thought I could ignore it,
Or that I could fix it myself.
And that over time it would just go away. 
But it didn't. It just got worse.

And then one night I read a friend's blog and she posted a link to a website about Postpartum Depression and anxiety.
I sat there reading line after line,
because I finally had my answer.

So I went to the doctor the following day.

I sat in her office with my piece of paper with a million notes scribbled on it, not wanting to forget to tell her anything.
And she looked at me and said that it was going to be okay.
And that felt so good to hear.

She prescribed me medication to help.
And they began working right away.
I felt like I was lifted from a fog. 
A horrible fog that was swallowing my life.

Now, I'm doing so good.
For now, I stopped taking medication and have begun finding alternative remedies.
Like yoga.
Which has been life changing. 
I go pretty consistently, about 5 or 6 days a week and it has helped so much with my depression. 

I do have moments though where I feel like I am falling again.
Symptoms I recognize like a bad dream and I have help for that.
But I am much more in control now then I was 6 months ago and I don't feel like I've spiritually failed when I seek the use of anti-depressants. 

But still my heart breaks for the sad woman I once was.

Because I wasn't alone.
There is so much help out there.

This blog was a great resource for me.

and thanks friend for sharing your struggles so openly and honestly. 
You really helped change my life.



Elora said...

Thank you so much for being so open and sharing. I've struggled with depression and anxiety as well. It really is a constant up hill battle.

I'm so glad you found yoga! I've found in the past that regular exercise really does help make me feel worlds better, and I plan on starting yoga (or perhaps P90x), but also spending as much time outside as I can, once I am through this pregnancy. I hope I can fight it without the use of anti-depressant/anxiety medications this time.

Best of luck to you! Stay strong *hug*

xoxo, Kari said...

Love you.

sara sparkles said...

I just found your blog... and I gotta say, I'm in love. I've been reading for an hour... (when I should be sleeping... have to fly home tomorrow and haven't even begun packing for me and the kiddo!)... but it's so hard to stop reading! you have the most adorable family! I appreciate your open-ness about this particular subject and everything else in your blog... I'm so coming back!

with love, the fishers said...

Thanks Elora & Sara! Your comments were so sweet and mean so much.

And Kari, I love you too!

Carynn Mae Eren. said...

My friend,

I am lucky to know you and am so happy that you have found some peace within this sadness... I love you!

Anonymous said...

I feel horrible I didn't see any signs or help. But, thankful that you figured it out. Sometimes figuring things out yourself is such an eye opener, that it's medication in itself. Love you so much!

Lisa B said...

I love that you shared this. I can completely relate. I dealt with a very similar situation. As moms I find the more we talk about our struggles with depression the less taboo it becomes. thanks for sharing xx