I've hit the 4 month mark at my new job,
and I have to say honestly...it's not getting any easier.
There are some women who love working,
they love the independence, the money, the confidence their job brings...
well not so much.
I truly loved being able to stay at home.
I loved how lucky I was to be the one to care for my kids each day.
And I feel bitterness towards life and all the responsibilities it brings, for taking that away from us.
The day before I started my first day I was crying in bed thinking how sad I was that I wasn't going to be the one to wake Lucas up from his nap or see Ayden's smiling face when I picked him up from Kindergarten.
Those lil' moments haunt me each day.
It's so hard when you make a decision as a family that in order to make it,
mommy's got to go back to work.
All the sacrifices and guilt that it brings, is numbing.
You can't help but feel slighted.
When you've prayed so hard,
and wanted something so bad...
that it just doesn't happen.
Which is why this year I'm learning to trust more.
And not be so completely driven by guilt.
Because at the end of the day,
I know I'm still a great mom
and my world revolves around them.
And now I'm able to help them out each day in a different way.